Reno Indicts Santa

WASHINGTON
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In an unprecedented move yesterday, Janet Reno announced the Department of Injustice’s decision to charge Santa Claus with the violation of a wide range of business and labor laws.

"Santa has gotten away with his predatory business practices for long enough. It’s time he learns that no one – with the possible exception of Al Gore or President Clinton – is above the law," she said during yesterday’s press conference.

The first of the laws to be invoked against Santa Claus was the Sherman Antitrust Act.

"Santa, by giving away toys at the cost of only a glass of milk and some cookies during the height of the toy-buying season, has achieved a virtual strangle hold on the toy market. It would be exceedingly difficult, if not impossible, for a new toy manufacturer to break this stranglehold and enter the market," she said.

However, Reno declined to comment on the success of several of Santa’s competitors, including Hasbro, Mattel, and Sony. We have received word from a reliable source that some of Santa’s less successful competitors had pressed Reno to file the suit.

After announcing the antitrust suit, Reno accused Santa of using slave labor to manufacture his toys. "His elves are forced to work 364 days a year for no pay other than room and board. This simply would not be tolerated here in the United States," she said.

We managed to obtain an interview with an elf this morning, who said that he was quite happy with the conditions of his employment: "We’re quite happy working for Santa. I like making toys, and Mrs. Claus is an excellent cook. Besides, we live on the North Pole.What would we need money for?"

When confronted with this commentary, Reno claimed that the elf must have said this out of fear of losing his job. She declined to comment when asked why he would be afraid of losing a job he detested.

Finally, Santa is charged with unlawful discrimination. Reno’s comments on the topic went as follows: "…Santa gives toys only to good children, while the ‘bad’ children receive only coal. This is extremely damaging to the self-esteem of these children, whom I prefer to call ‘behaviorally challenged.’ If Santa is to deliver toys to children in this country, we demand that toys be distributed equally, without regard to the behavior of the children in question."

Santa, after he finally stopped laughing, said only "I don’t give a damn about their self-esteem. The little brats don’t deserve any toys."

"Unfortunately," Reno said at the conclusion of the press conference, "we have no extradition treaty with the North Pole. Even if we did, I believe that Santa would be somewhat reluctant to enforce it in this case. Although we cannot arrest him unless he comes to this country, I guarantee you that we will have a SWAT team in every tenth house in the country come Christmas Eve. If Santa wants to violate our laws, he’ll have to risk the consequences. I hope that I can count on the support of other world leaders in our attempt to bring this monster to justice."

Santa, in response to Ms. Reno’s announcements, expressed his deep sympathy to the children of America, to whom he will not be delivering toys as a result of Reno’s policies. "For the sake of all American children, I hope that someone shoots the bitch," he said at the end of our interview.

In answer to this, Reno said only, "Santa’s ass is mine." This was actually off the record, but we thought that it was too good not to print.